The ‘Twilight’ Review Round-up

by Teresa

Twilight opened nationwide today, which I’m sure you know unless you live in a cave. And even then, I’m sure you’ve heard of these silly books.

I’m still on the fence about actually paying to see it in the theater. I kinda wanna go out of a morbid curiosity. Also, its a perfect place to cull tips on how not to depict vampires on screen. But after reading a few reviews, now I’m not so sure it’s worth even that much.

Pajiba:

“It’s also a stupid movie. Unrelentingly stupid. It’s a Spanish soap opera without the accents crossed with a sexless porn movie where all the actors are petulant little bitches. We’ve already had a high-school set vampire movie, goddamnit. It was called Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and it featured Kristy Swanson, Luke Perry, a killer Toad the Wet Sprocket tune, and a prom crashed by bloodsuckers. It was awesome. Twilight has nothing on Buffy. It’s a vampire movie written by a romance novelist, which means that all the vampire lore is thrown out of the casket and replaced with cloying sentimentality and insipid gushiness delivered breathlessly by twats. “Oh, Edward! I’d rather die than stay away from you!” Oh, do, please.”

“Faced with the partially clad Bella (who would bite if she could), Edward recoils from her like a distraught Victorian. Like Ms. Hardwicke, the poor boy has been defanged and almost entirely drained. He’s so lifeless, he might as well be dead — oops, he already is.”

NYT:

Jezebel:

“While the action sequences at the end of the movie were well done, when the lights came on, I turned to my (straight, male) friend and declared, “There will not be a sequel.” He replied: “You don’t think so? I had a ball!” He was among those laughing the hardest. I didn’t want to write this, but I’m afraid I have to: Twilight is a vampire movie that sucks.”

Ah, Mr. Pattinson, I had such high hopes, but it looks like there was no way this film could be great with such cheesy source material. If you want to see a good movie with Robert Pattison, forget Twilight and wait for How to Be to hit your local theater or video store.

Perhaps, I’ll see this vampire film heresy after the teen set have had their fill. But with the box-office projection being so high, I’m not sure if I can wait long enough!

Bonus: How to Be trailer on Vimeo