One of my favorite films from back in the day was Teen Witch. Robyn Lively was the titular teen witch, Lousie. Dan Gauthier was her ‘oh so dreamy’ object of desire Brad. And Zelda Rubenstein (Poltergeist) played her cooky but lovable mentor, Madame Serena.

The movie doesn’t really make much sense and borders dangerously close to becoming a musical. But it’s fantastic, I tell you! It’s better if you really don’t know much. If you need a primer, check out the “Top That” scene that Sasha Frere Jones posted on his blog. It totally reminded me of why I love Teen Witch.

Check it:

Dear god, I hope that Teen Witch with Ashley Tisdale remake dies in development hell. I feel like the 1989 version was able to work because the climate of late eighties accepted its over the top spirit. In today’s film market, I fear it would come off as one of those INSERT GENRE movie movies like Not Another Teen Movie. I’d probably make a more entertaining homage to the original film with my friends simply reenacting the dance scenes. All you really need is someone with an inch more of charisma than that High School Reunion girl, some eighties costumes and a decent Panasonic digital camcorder.

If you liked that digital taste of Teen Witch from above, you should buy it on dvd today. It’s so cheap what could it hurt? I guarantee it’ll bring a smile to your face.

Over the summer back in the day, I used to systematically watch every movie at the rental store. There wasn’t much going on where I grew up in terms of non-sporting activities. So I would go to the local blockbuster and just scour the rows for something I hadn’t seen that perked my interest. And merely by chance did I see CrossWorlds.

It stars Rutger Hauer (who was the best blind ninja I’d ever seen in Blind Side), Josh Charles, and Andrea Roth (FX’s “Rescue Me”). For awhile there, I’d see any movie with Josh Charles ever since he played the love interest in Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter. So when I saw the box, I was immediately sold.

After re-watching this flick yesterday, I can’t truthfully say it’s a good movie, but it’s fun to watch on lazy sunday. The plot is ridiculously simple: Find the crystal, find the scepter, and safeguard them from being abused by evil. All set in the real world with people from other dimension running around doing so-called magic.

Check this montage I found online to get the gist. First off, you gotta just accept the obligatory cheesy effects, which were probably a dead giveaway by the poster. Nevertheless, I really think Stuart Wilson proves to be menacing enough as the villain.

One question though, what was going on with Andrea Roth’s outfit? There were too many mismatched colors going on, even for 1996. Burgundy velvet skirt, white button down shirt, red top, and then brown boots with white hiking socks peeking out! Plus, I think she’s was wearing a red bodysuit. Remember those? God, that was an awful trend. I am hoping that American Apparel’ new line of bodysuits doesn’t catch on.

And the random star of today in CrossWorlds: Jack Black as the joke telling roommate.

Couch surfing the other night, totally by chance, I came upon the wondrous B-movie gem, Watchers.

This flick stars one of my teen crushes, Corey Haim, Michael Ironside, and a loveable golden retriever. Obviously, if I’m even blogging about this movie, it can be said that I have an unhealthy affinity to cheesy 80s movies. Plus, I’m a sucker for sci-fi/action flicks. AND the best part is that I love dogs! And seriously, the dog in this thing was like the smartest dog ever! No literally, it can even type and play scrabble.

The screenplay was (loosely) adapted from the Dean Koontz novel. But by jove, did they trample all over it with some stupid eighties dialogue. It’s like every scene was shot in only two takes. At least, it has some decent (for the era) effects and wasn’t shot with some used vhs video camera.

Luckily, all that techie stuff doesn’t matter, since they obviously don’t expect you to really follow the plot. All you gotta do is understand that Corey Haim’s character finds a genetically enhanced dog, which he names FurFace, and subsequently is on the run from some science experiment gone wrong Bigfoot type creature who hates said dog and teddy bears. As an added bonus, you get to see a young Jason Priestley, who rather quickly meets a gruesome death.

According to badmovies.org, you learn the following by viewing this film:

“Dogs are naturally fire resistant.
Genetically engineered monsters have deviated septums.
Dogs love trucks! (Hehehe!)
VHS tapes are highly flammable.
Dogs can’t type.
Gorilla monsters hate bicycles.
Deputies are excellent conductors of electricity.
Golden Retrievers don’t bounce.
During the sexual discovery years of puberty a boy shouldn’t be sleeping naked with a dog.
Corey Haim is MacGuyver’s illegitimate son.”

Read the rest of his review and catch some dialogue excerpts here.