Couch surfing the other night, totally by chance, I came upon the wondrous B-movie gem, Watchers.

This flick stars one of my teen crushes, Corey Haim, Michael Ironside, and a loveable golden retriever. Obviously, if I’m even blogging about this movie, it can be said that I have an unhealthy affinity to cheesy 80s movies. Plus, I’m a sucker for sci-fi/action flicks. AND the best part is that I love dogs! And seriously, the dog in this thing was like the smartest dog ever! No literally, it can even type and play scrabble.

The screenplay was (loosely) adapted from the Dean Koontz novel. But by jove, did they trample all over it with some stupid eighties dialogue. It’s like every scene was shot in only two takes. At least, it has some decent (for the era) effects and wasn’t shot with some used vhs video camera.

Luckily, all that techie stuff doesn’t matter, since they obviously don’t expect you to really follow the plot. All you gotta do is understand that Corey Haim’s character finds a genetically enhanced dog, which he names FurFace, and subsequently is on the run from some science experiment gone wrong Bigfoot type creature who hates said dog and teddy bears. As an added bonus, you get to see a young Jason Priestley, who rather quickly meets a gruesome death.

According to badmovies.org, you learn the following by viewing this film:

“Dogs are naturally fire resistant.
Genetically engineered monsters have deviated septums.
Dogs love trucks! (Hehehe!)
VHS tapes are highly flammable.
Dogs can’t type.
Gorilla monsters hate bicycles.
Deputies are excellent conductors of electricity.
Golden Retrievers don’t bounce.
During the sexual discovery years of puberty a boy shouldn’t be sleeping naked with a dog.
Corey Haim is MacGuyver’s illegitimate son.”

Read the rest of his review and catch some dialogue excerpts here.